My Feelings: Vulnerability=Weakness

Every now and then we all go through phases where we feel that our emotions get the best of us. I know that I do my best to conceal how I feel about things and people. At times, I feel like I am doing myself a disservice by being so closed in, but then I realize that it's kept me from getting hurt on numerous occasions. I guess I have it set up in my mind that being vulnerable to new experiences/people/emotions equates to weakness on my part. I say this because mainly because I am scared of rejection especially when it may come to a person I currently like or enjoy spending my time with. I feel that if he knows too much, he could potentially use it to hurt me. It may be a really jacked up way of looking at things, but for some it works. Lately, I've been noticing that I miss the interactions I have with people...well one person in particular, but my vulnerable side tells me to keep myself as busy as possible. I've had points where I've been a mess, but I've managed to "keep it together" and that shit is SO HARD. I may look like I've got a pretty good grip, but I'm crying hard on the inside. I like to consider myself an "Emotional Nonchalant" kind of person. Meaning I CARE SO MUCH THAT I COULD CARE LESS! After a few situations that I've been through I adopted a "Love don't live here anymore" or "I have time for love...later" or my all time favorite "I'll be damned if I let another person hurt me" mentality. This has caused me to not be as content in situations as I should be, thus causing me to always question ones motive.
Also, I've been feeling like being vulnerable may not always be a bad thing! After all, my emotions are what make me a woman, and to say that I lack emotion is an outright lie! I have never thought of myself weak as a whole, but I do admit that I definitely have my weaknesses. I also think that vulnerability spawns from, I hate to say it, INSECURITY! I am intellegent, a decent person, not bad looking, and I have a body that makes men do a double take. It's a shame I have my insecurities. I fear that I am not good enough or will ever be able to sustain a healthy relationship with whom I choose. This has has materialized into "I am not ready for a relationship" or "Maybe I'm not good enough or I'm not what he really wants".

I know that I have a long way to go but THANK THE LORD I'm not where I used to be. Being vulnerable has caused me to miss out on a few things as well, and it is time for that to stop! I guess I could stop letting issues from the past be a hindrance to those I decide to let in my life. I could learn to better trust people and leave the lines of communication open! Finally, I really need to be more open with myself and others because it's OK for me not to have it together all the time! I need to stop being so damn afraid!!!

P.R. Reid