Blessings....

I feel that I have been the recipient of so many blessings lately that it is absolutely overwhelming. My blessings aren't necessarily monetary or material, they are found in the friendships that I have. I am so humbled to even know the people that I know, and THEY are my blessings. When I hear a friend of mine talk about how I've impacted their live, I have to step out of myself and figure out why. I truly believe that once you let go of the things that are superficial and dumb, you can truly see yourself as a good person. For a long time I had a problem seeing that, because certain things internally got in the way of that. I feel like I am a damn good person, and because of it, I'm so much better off! I've had a lot of time to sit and think, and I think I have jumped over some serious hurdles. While I still have trust issues, they no longer run my life. I know that I am a good person, and if you take advantage of me, you will be dealt with somehow. I have learned to let go because I finally have people in my corner that I truly trust and can "let my hair down" with. Some I'm still working on because they STILL have a ways to go when it comes to my trust. I thank the FEW people who've listened to my cry (which I don't do in front of just anyone) and talked me through stuff! It feels good to be able to bear it all to only a few people. I don't need everyone knowing my situation....that's a whole 'nother blog post!

I am so grateful to have people who GENUINELY care, and are truly out for my best interest! Those people are really hard to come by. I am a very strong person, but it feels good to let your guard down to someone you trust! I am who I am with everyone who knows me, but there are certain aspects of my life that I am very private about and are for "exclusive and limited screening" LOL

NOTHING LIKE GREAT FRIENDS

P.R. Reid

Been Gone...UPDATE

October:

I finished my application and took the GRE a week later. I met my goal on the writing part, and then all I could do was wait.

November:

I found out that I am headed to graduate school!!! YAY!!! I'm really excited, but I am a little nervous! After much reinforcement I do believe that I will be ok! I have so many people that are proud of me, so I really have to do what I have to do.

December:

Ready for the holidays. This is has got to be the hardest time of the year sometimes. I really start to miss my mom!

Until Later

P.R. Reid

Completion feels awesome!!!!

I am PRACTICALLY done with this application!!! It feels awesome!

"IT"=Sex Appeal

I have been told that I have something calledIT! Now I'm not exactly sure what it is but I guess I can take it as a compliment! I guess it could be sex appeal, but I don't know! Personally, I don't see it LOL! I'm just me...silly girl just finally comfortable with herself! I think I am the most sexually awkward person I know. I'm just sayin, I just don't really consider myself sexy. I think I prefer sensual LOL! But any who that's just whats been on my noodle for a while! I've always been the play the background/reserved/quiet girl and that pretty much suits me just fine! It could be a problem in future relationships, but right now I'm coolin! Lovin life and those who CHOOSE to be in it!

But maybe, that isn't such a bad thing...I've always kinda wished I could see myself as the ultra sexy vixen type of gal! Hmmmm I may have to explore this side a bit more...she's in there she is just waiting to come out! Wonder who will be so lucky as to experience it hehe :P

Sexy may not be ALL bad!

P. R. Reid

Love

Do I believe in love at first sight? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I do believe it exists, but I feel that it's something that takes a while to happen! I have loved and I have lost, and I truly believe that's life. I have not been ruined by it, only made stronger and smarter. I'm not so beaten up by love that I don't believe in it because I still feel like *HE* is somewhere waiting for me! I will not give up hope but I will NOT let down my guard...yet :)

P.R. Reid

My Feelings: Vulnerability=Weakness

Every now and then we all go through phases where we feel that our emotions get the best of us. I know that I do my best to conceal how I feel about things and people. At times, I feel like I am doing myself a disservice by being so closed in, but then I realize that it's kept me from getting hurt on numerous occasions. I guess I have it set up in my mind that being vulnerable to new experiences/people/emotions equates to weakness on my part. I say this because mainly because I am scared of rejection especially when it may come to a person I currently like or enjoy spending my time with. I feel that if he knows too much, he could potentially use it to hurt me. It may be a really jacked up way of looking at things, but for some it works. Lately, I've been noticing that I miss the interactions I have with people...well one person in particular, but my vulnerable side tells me to keep myself as busy as possible. I've had points where I've been a mess, but I've managed to "keep it together" and that shit is SO HARD. I may look like I've got a pretty good grip, but I'm crying hard on the inside. I like to consider myself an "Emotional Nonchalant" kind of person. Meaning I CARE SO MUCH THAT I COULD CARE LESS! After a few situations that I've been through I adopted a "Love don't live here anymore" or "I have time for love...later" or my all time favorite "I'll be damned if I let another person hurt me" mentality. This has caused me to not be as content in situations as I should be, thus causing me to always question ones motive.
Also, I've been feeling like being vulnerable may not always be a bad thing! After all, my emotions are what make me a woman, and to say that I lack emotion is an outright lie! I have never thought of myself weak as a whole, but I do admit that I definitely have my weaknesses. I also think that vulnerability spawns from, I hate to say it, INSECURITY! I am intellegent, a decent person, not bad looking, and I have a body that makes men do a double take. It's a shame I have my insecurities. I fear that I am not good enough or will ever be able to sustain a healthy relationship with whom I choose. This has has materialized into "I am not ready for a relationship" or "Maybe I'm not good enough or I'm not what he really wants".

I know that I have a long way to go but THANK THE LORD I'm not where I used to be. Being vulnerable has caused me to miss out on a few things as well, and it is time for that to stop! I guess I could stop letting issues from the past be a hindrance to those I decide to let in my life. I could learn to better trust people and leave the lines of communication open! Finally, I really need to be more open with myself and others because it's OK for me not to have it together all the time! I need to stop being so damn afraid!!!

P.R. Reid

If I were and actress and could play ANY part!

It would definitely have to be this woman!!! YES, Billie Holiday! In high school, I had to do a dramatic interpretation of her life for my American History class! I read her autobiography and I read A LOT of other literature on her. Something about this woman really grabbed my attention! If I ever would want to play ANYONE in a movie or play (sans the singing), this would be exactly who I would want to play! POINT BLANK PERIOD.COM!!!